Relationships

Who is your most important relationship with?
What Self-esteem is.
Creating Wonderful Relationships
Another secret to Satisfying Relationships
Sharing self-space
Communication
Relationship CheckList

Coaching tools

Self-esteem tool
Heart language tool
Creating Self Space - Part 1
Reflective listening
Quiz: How well do you know your partner?
The Top 10 Loving Acts

Relating & Relationships® module

* How is your most important relationship?

· Who is your most important relationship with?

Your most important relationship is not with your partner, your children, your parents or family. Your most important relationship is with yourself.

Every relationship you have is a reflection of your relationship with yourself.

How is your relationship with yourself? Do you esteem yourself? Do you like who you are?

What Self-esteem is.

Self esteem is how much value you place on yourself - how comfortable you are in your own skin.

Self-esteem is present when you like yourself. You are happy being you.

How do you like yourself? You accept yourself. As you are now.

You accept yourself. All your faults, all your weaknesses, all the things you cant do or are not good at. This is easy when you realise the strengths you possess the abilities you have and all the things you can do and have already done. We are usually pretty good at running ourselves down but not quite so good at talking ourselves back up!

At Paradigms Ltd your Coach will help you discover your inner strengths, talents and abilities and help you to build on these to create a healthy self-image, a satisfying life and a positive relationship with yourself.

At the end of this article you will find our "Building healthy self-esteem." tool, or click here.

Creating Wonderful Relationships

Do you feel like a whole person?

We know that two halves make a whole, and we know that another person cannot ultimately fill us up when there are spaces inside ourselves that we need to fill first. We need to be whole people in order to bring that wholeness into relationship.

How do we become whole? How do we complete ourselves in order to have something to bring into relationship?

The first step is to gain some awareness of the relationship you have with yourself. We do this by beginning a dialogue with ourselves.

From this dialogue arises a conversation. When you start a conversation with yourself you are on your way to becoming an integrated and whole person ready to love and be loved.

A conversation with yourself

Are you aware of your own needs? Do you know what you really want?

If we understand that our most important relationship is with ourselves and that communication is the basis of all relationships, we should ask the question: How do I have a conversation with myself?

Firstly we understand that a conversation has two parties. Communication where only one person is talking is not a conversation - it is a speech. So, the first step is to learn how to listen to yourself and take some time to listen and get the conversation started.

We are very used to listening to the unspoken sentences that we tell ourselves in our head - our thoughts. But do you remember how to listen to your heart? In your heart lie your feelings and desires, beyond the rational "you should …" and "you shouldn't …" self-talk that inhabit our thoughts.

Getting in touch with our real desires - what we really want - rather than what we feel we should, or must do, is a profound revelation for many clients.

At Paradigms Ltd we have a great and simple tool to help get a heart conversation started, it is called the Heart Language tool and is outlined at the end of this article, or to jump to it now click here.

Another secret to Satisfying Relationships

John F Kennedy famously said; "Ask not, what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country."

This quote could easily be applied to relationships; "Ask not, what can I get from my relationships, ask, what can I give?"

This is the secret to successful and satisfying relationships. When, after becoming aware of our own needs we are thinking of what we can give and bring to a relationship, we are at our highest, happiest and best.

This doesn't mean that we will remain in a relationship where we are doing all the giving. Successful relationships are about giving and receiving. It means that we will attract and enjoy, healthy, nurturing and satisfying relationships with everyone in our lives.

If you feel its time for you to do some giving you will be very interested to discover how men and women ranked the Top 10 Loving Acts. At the end of this article you will find the survey results of the Top 10 Loving Acts, or click here.

Sharing self-space

Relationships are about nurturing ourselves and making a space within ourselves that we can then invite others to share.

How do we go about discovering this sacred-space? How do you discover the special parts of others? By spending quality time with them. So how would you go about discovering the special parts of yourselves? By spending quality time with yourself. Then you will discover aspects of your inner self.

As we discover our inner selves we then experience the joy and wonder of sharing that special piece of ourselves with others.

When you find your sacred-spaces you will find your current relationships are enhanced and deepened, and, if you seek a new relationship, you will find that the self-confidence, poise and positivity you exude will attract the great relationship you desire.

At Paradigms Ltd we have many great relationship coaching tools that show you how to deepen the quality of your relationships and enjoy greater happiness, joy and fulfilment in your life. At the end of this article you will find our "Creating Self Space - Part 1" tool, or click here.

Communication

Communication is the basis of all relationships. It is not necessarily verbal, in fact most communication is non-verbal, but to convey complex concepts and to receive messages like the words "I love you" verbal communication is a very important skill.

Because everyone is different, it has been said that 90% of the disagreements in relationships cannot be resolved.

But even though a problem cannot be resolved "your way", if you really feel like you have been heard - even if you haven't been agreed with - then half the problem disappears. This is because much of the distress that surrounds any dispute is our need to feel validated, respected and listened to.

So how do we ensure we are listened to? There are two things we need to understand about verbal communication.

Firstly that it takes practice, it is a skill that needs to be developed - we are not born with exceptional communication skills.

Secondly, that it is inherently inaccurate and prone to errors - everyone has experienced someone else getting "the wrong end of the stick" and totally misinterpreting what they had to say.

Fortunately, we can develop our communication skills and enhance the quality and joy in all of our relationships.

Your Coach may introduce a tool such as "Reflective Listening" to enhance the quality of your communication. Then they may suggest an activity you can do with your partner such as the How Well Do You Know Your Partner Quiz?, which helps you discover what your partner most appreciates in you. You will find these tools at the end of this article, or click here.


Relationship CheckList

· Would you like to make your current relationship more satisfying?

· Could your relationship do with a check-up or tune-up?

· Are you presently seeking a fulfilling relationship?

· Are you wondering how to attract a wonderful relationship?

· Would you like to know how to enhance all of your relationships?

· Are you attracting the types of relationship you desire?

· Have you experienced a disappointing series of relationships?

· Are the relationships in your life healthy, nurturing and empowering?

· Would you like to move toward a wonderful new relationship with yourself and others?

· Free Coaching tools

Self-esteem tool

this tool will help increase your self-esteem as you remember all your great qualities and the things you are excellent at!

· on a blank sheet of paper list at least 20 things that make you special
· list at least 20 things that you are good at or can do well (even if its cleaning your teeth)
· list your 10 most unique qualities or unique things about you
· write down at least one particularly attractive physical feature (even if its a cute pinkie toe or particularly shapely ear lobe!)

Heart language tool

Do you feel stressed and harassed during the day, like you're always doing things to please others rather than yourself?

Part of being an adult is learning to put the needs of others, our employer for instance, ahead of ourselves. But we can become so used to doing what we feel we should do, or living by the expectations of others that we lose touch with ourselves.

What we need to do is to re-open the conversation with our heart - to remember how to listen to our heart and not our head.

When you're feeling stressed or that you feel you have lost yourself and your centre, just ask yourself two questions,

"What am I feeling now?"
&
"What do I really want to do?"

Try to listen to your heart - your first thought - not your rationalising head.

If the message from your heart is possible and practical - then do it, eg. take a break, call a friend, pop out for a coffee.

If it is not possible then just note your hearts message until its convenient to follow through. Be careful - this habit is lifechanging!


Creating Self Space - Part 1

this tool is simple but can lead to profound life change. It will help you start your day in the best possible way and nurtures the beginning of self-awareness. It helps you begin the day relaxed, and to get to know who you are.

begin the day with 5 mins of non-active solitude, such as having a quiet cuppa by yourself.

the two most important things are

1. you are by yourself
2. you are not doing anything which engages the mind

try it for a week and see what happens!


Reflective listening

verbal communication is inherently inaccurate and is a skill we have to learn and develop. this tool is designed to enhance and facilitate communication

· create some quiet space together with your partner and ask them to say something about your relationship

· listen to them without interruption or judgement

· when they have finished, reflect back to them what you heard them say - hopefully you will repeat the essence of what they said!

· ask them if you heard them correctly

· repeat the process with them listening and reflecting you

Excellent communication is a very important life skill because by hearing the other persons point of view and in turn being heard yourself, means that half of any problem is resolved because both sides feel heard and validated.


Quiz: How well do you know your partner?

Get together with your partner.

Get a blank sheet of paper each and separately write down …

Their favourite movie, or genre
favourite band or singer, or type of music
favourite actor, actress
favourite season
favourite TV show
favourite day of the week
their hero
favourite time of day
favourite activity
the quality they admire most in others
favourite activity when clothed
best memory together
who they are closest to in their family
their best friend
the personal quality they most appreciate in a partner
favourite colour
their worst habit
their best habit
kindest thing you have done for them
most difficult thing you have done
the hardest issue for them to deal with
the one word best describes them
if they were a car what car would they be? what colour? what condition? where would you buy it?
what they feel are your 3 best qualities
the thing they would most like you to do, what they most want from you
the way they would like you to communicate love
what is their loving style - do they usually demonstrate their love by:
kind words,
loving actions,
thoughtfulness when apart,
giving gifts,
showing friendship
why you think they love you.

Now swap lists, score them and laugh!

The Top 10 Loving Acts

Do something loving

Psychology today magazine surveyed men and women asking them what their favourite 10 expressions of love were.

You can use this to your advantage, if you are a man and you haven't given flowers in a while you can see they were ranked at number 2 by women. Otherwise you could just work your way down the list and score lots of points.

If you're a women you may be surprised to know that men rated "holding hands" at number 7 whilst it did not even make the top 10 for women. You could hold his hand or if you really want to make his day do number 7 then number 8!

Men	Women
1. taking walks together	1. taking walks together
2. kissing	2. flowers
3. candle-lit dinners	3. kissing
4. cuddling	4. candle-lit dinners
5. hugging	5. cuddling
6. flowers	6. declaring "I love you"
7. holding hands	7. love letters
8. making love	8. slow dancing
9. love letters	9. hugging
10. sitting by the fireplace	10. giving surprise gifts

· Relating & Relationships® module

Would you like to enjoy happier, more nurturing and empowering relationships with everyone in your life right now - including your most important relationship - You?

Our Relating & Relationships® module is designed to help you get a conversation going with your most important relationship, and then from that dialogue create wonderful relationships with the people in your life.